(There is no need for a long title because we all know how it has been)

Photo concept: when darkness meets light

It’s 31st December, posts of new years’ resolution and people doing a reflection of their 2020 have been flooding on my social media’s feeds. Everyone has gone through a tough time, but somehow it seems that they have fought through and processed what is happening in their own way. Some emerge stronger than ever, while some are still lost and trying to find a way to cope with all the crazy things that have been happening in 2020 (spoiler alert: it continues to 2021, you know what I mean by “it”). For those that have coped and fought through this year, you deserve a big warm hug because you have fought hard. For those who are like me still lost, still have not fully realized how to cope, and still living one day at a time, let me give you a pat. You have tried hard and have not given up, so keep trying. That is the thing about coping, it is not the same for everyone. Everyone runs on their own pace and time, but regardless of how long, we all will emerge from all the craziness that this year have to offer stronger and more resilient.

As I have mentioned, I saw so many reflections done since it is the end of the year. With that, I also asked myself if I should do any reflections at all. Initially, I did not want to do any because that is how badly I hate 2020. But, as I think back, I realized 2020 has been so crazy that I went through the whole year hastily and without even a short pause and reflect moment. Even now, my head is still spinning and trying to make sense of what is happening for the whole year. Regardless of what is happening or what is about to come, here are a few things that I realized about my 2020 during the brief 15-minute reflection, while writing this piece (I mean when the realization hit, one cannot really stop it).

1. This year has been a year of “fighting”, but I’m grateful: I realized that I have been constantly fighting for what I believe in and what I want. It is not only about fighting every day to cope with all the 2020 craziness but for literally even opportunity that I have gotten. I had to fight for my academic, for my job, and even for my love life. This has greatly shaken the foundation of my confidence and self-esteem (even though I have so little of both to begin with). Along the way, I have felt self-doubt, demotivation, loneliness, and the presence of “giving up” whispering in my ears. Regardless of all those negative thoughts, I was glad and grateful for all the people who have stayed with me this year for they have inspired me and reminded me not to give up even after I was ready to do so. (Side note: to those people, thank you for enduring with me even through all of my negativity and toxicity).

2. I still have not adapted to the “new normal”, but I know now that it is okay: I know it has been a year since the pandemic hit. It has been a year for me to adapt, to adopt a new routine, and learn the way of the new normal. The truth is I still cannot adapt. I am still anxious, worried, and scared of what is happening, not what is happening to me personally, but what is happening in 2020 in general. It has caused my anxiety to latch onto me more than ever. It used to bother me that I cannot adapt as fast as others. My mental health deteriorates daily thinking of how I wake up every day failing to adapt and to cope. But as time goes by, I realized that it is okay. I am slowly learning to accept that I need longer times than others. This is the same to everyone out there that is still coping and struggling, don’t be too hard on yourselves. It is okay to run at your own pace and take all the time that you need. Just know that waking up every day and trying are already courageous enough.

This should be all for my brief realization this year (I know you were expecting a longer reflection, but that is why I called it a “realization”). It might be short and not much of a soul-searching reflection, but one big lesson that I learned this year is that I am resilient, and we all are. It does not matter how hard and how long it takes to bounce back, but we all will at some point.

I do not know what 2021 will hold (or what craziness it will inherit from 2020), but what I do know is that we have all managed to get through 2020, so it’s time to pause giving ourselves a hard time and start taking care of ourselves as well as learning to accept what 2021 has to offer.

Final side-note:

Interpretivist at heart. A place to share random thoughts and feelings, while hoping others could connect and relate ❤