A random thought approaching my 20
Since my birthday is approaching in a few hours, let me tell you my secret, my deepest most-hidden secret. I have a secret fear, a major fear. It is not my normal fear of dogs nor my intense fear of height. This fear is deep and a psychological one. It is also not my body-insecurity or my issue of low self-esteem. This fear is the one that I have never told anymore, not even to the persons closest to me. I am not even certain if I should reveal it in this blog, but I feel like it is time to confront it.
Ready for my big secret? Here goes the secret:
I am afraid of AGING. To be specific, I am afraid of transcending into my 20s.
I know it does not sound like a serious fear (that was why I have never told anyone about it). I might even have disappointed some of the readers. Some of my friends that know me personally would think that I once again have put my worry and my fear on the wrong issue. However, before you stop reading this, hear me out.
I know it sounds strange to be afraid of aging, especially for a girl my age who basically just legally becomes an adult. The thing that fears me about aging is not because I would look older nor because of all the other physical and health issues that would come with aging. What I fear most about aging is the expectations that are naturally attached to the age, the expectations for the persons that have reached the realm of 20 and above.
To people my age, reaching 20 would mean the beginning of becoming an adult. It would mean more freedom and more independence. It is the age that one can parties, the age that one can legally drink, the age to get a driving license, the legal age to move out and to travel alone, and the age to do all the other fun things in life with little family monitoring.
The age of 20 is the prime year (at least to most people). However, for me, transcending to 20 is scary and not one that I have ever wanted to be ready for. Unlike other people, reaching 20 for me means having more expectations and responsibilities. It is no longer just the expectations for good grades, but also other expectations in life. Reaching my 20 would mean I have to face my parents’ expectation for me to get a job, my own expectation to graduate and not be unemployed after my graduation, and most of all, others’ expectation of me finally maturing and acting my age, the expectation for me to act like a 20 year-old and the expectation that I would finally grow up.
These expectations are the reasons why it is scary to enter into the 20 year-old age group. These expectations for me, it feels like a heavy burden and a heavy chain that is wrapping around my neck waiting to suffocate me once I have reached my 20 (I also feel suffocating now just thinking about it).
All these thoughts about my 20 got me wondering why we place a lot of expectations on a person’s age. Why do we expect a person to act more maturely just because they have reached the age of adulthood? Why does a person have to have some achievements and a stable career just because they are in their 20s? Isn’t everyone supposed to have their own timeline to follow? Why pressure ourselves with the expectation when we know that it is yet to be our time?
I guess what I am trying to say is the older we get, the more pressure we put on ourselves with those expectations, responsibilities, and achievement. But, life is beyond all those things. It is about time that we should realised and accept that everyone is running at a different time. Some people might have achieved more than us, but that is only because it is their time and their time is running faster than ours. But, as long as, we keep fighting and moving forwards, it would eventually be our time to achieve those expectations. Just like Abraham Lincoln once said:
“I Walk Slowly, But I Never Walk Backward.”
Therefore, let’s stop pressuring ourselves and start enjoying the moment while it lasted!
