Here to 22 years on earth (I guess)
I’m officially 22!!! I know you cannot hear it, but trust me, I am playing the song “22” in the background, while I am writing this.
I had a plan for today, for my 22nd hatchday. I planned to listen to “22” all day in the office, then running off to the cute little Japanese Cake Shop after work to get that adorable and delicious fruit cake (I am a chocolate cake person, but that Japanese shop makes the best fruit cake). It might sound simple, but to me, that plan would be the most serene day — just enjoying the day and cutting off from my own thoughts and fears. Sadly, there is no cake nor going outside the perimeter of the house again for me this year (don’t ever plan anything, the externalities would never make it work).
So, I am 22 and my hatchday plan did not work out, just like any other plans I had in life. What’s my other plan? Have you ever seen one of those people that always dress so well, march ahead, and seem like they have their lives all figured out and under control? That was my plan when I was a kid that I would grow up and be like those people, taking control of my life and know exactly where/what I am supposed to be. Now I am 22, yet life does not seem to act according to plan. Looking back on all my 22 years, reflecting on what I have done and trying to think about what I have actually achieved, I realized it was little to nothing compared to others. While others my age are out there working on what they are passionate about or advocating for a cause that they believe in, I am here sitting in my bedroom still trying to figure out what I really want in life or even what it is that I am good at. (I know to some this might sound like self-pity, but I’m just genuinely lost.)
As I am approaching 22, I find myself questioning more and more about what the meaning of life is. How could we navigate through 60+ years of our lives? They said we have to live a life with purpose, but how can we know what our purpose is? What constitutes a purpose, to begin with? Then I come to realise, maybe that is what we all are growing up, we were persistently told as kids that we would know ourselves when we are grown up to a point that it becomes a mission for us to get our lives figured out by a certain age (in my case, I was determined that it would be when I am out of college). But why? Why should we live our lives determine to have it all figured out?
I also do not know the answer to why we need to figure everything out. The more I am trying to figure it out, the more I am thinking maybe it is better to let things unfold by themselves and learn to enjoy what are the mysteries that life has to offer. While I am trying to figure out my life (I realise I used the word “figure out” a lot at this point), I am also very grateful to those that have stuck with me and helped me navigate through my existentialism. I know it could be tough for them, especially when they are also trying to navigate through their lives. I have never been more grateful.
I guess what I am trying to say through this long blog post is that it is okay to feel lost and existential. There is no need to rush through life trying to have it all figured out because that is part of adulting. For me, I am learning to accept that I would never grow up to be those people that I wanted to be as a kid, those that have their lives all figured out. So, it is also okay for you to take it slow and watching the mystery of lives unfold.
For now, just enjoy the moment and be grateful for those that are with you along the way!!!
